My goal for this blog/website is to help people live their best lives in the face of chronic or incurable conditions. To improve my skills, I chose to enroll in a life coaching course. The course I chose is “Life Coach Certification (Beginner to Advanced)” by Kain Ramsey. The session I’m currently working on involves a story about a man going about his business then suddenly falls into a deep hole. He fights to get out of the hole at first, but gets weary from his efforts. Depression, doubt, hopelessness kick in. He is too proud at first to call for help. Then a therapist happens to walk by, then a doctor. I imagine the former offered a form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and the latter some antidepressants or anxiolytics.
The third person to come by is a friend or classmate who jumps in the hole with him…but reveals how to get out because that person has been there and can relate. Such is the essence of life coaching.
I’ve mentioned a thousand times I am a big (but recent) fan of the Goo Goo Dolls. I am also a huge fan of U2, and for over half of my life. U2 has a song called “Stuck In A Moment”. Bono wrote it about Michael Hutchence of INXS, a good friend who profoundly affected Bono’s life. Hutchence was in the type of hole Ramsey describes. Only he didn’t make it out.
The reason I am writing about this dark subject is because a week and a half ago, I nearly got stuck in a rough moment–forever. Not only do I have pulmonary hypertension and fibromuscular dysplasia; I also have severe depression, anxiety, and addictive/compulsive behavior. The latter got me into very serious trouble. My issues with depression and compulsive shopping preceded any other problem by decades.
I binged on spending between September and the first week in January, sometimes several days in a row, and over $200 each time. I knew I was headed for trouble, yet I felt some force was driving me to shop, to fill the holes in my life with “things”, to enter stores and not fight this force, even though I felt like a failure.
On January 12, I started working with a debt management company and their initial payment was $700. That amount was taken out on Jan 15, along with my $412 retirement loan repayment. I anticipated these. What I didn’t realize was I’d scheduled many credit card payments and car payment all for that date. The debt management rep warned me to cancel these, but I forgot (thank you, gabapentin, for messing with my brain). I also made arrangements with the bank so I have limited access to cash, and no more debit card. It’s a steep learning curve with no overdraft protection anymore. When all was said and done, I was $1190 overdrawn, and there was nothing I could do about it. The bank threatened to shut down all my accounts permanently and turn me over to collections.
I was very upset talking with the bank reps, trying to explain my mistakes and eventually telling them I am in a recovery program with people recovering from drugs and alcohol, to learn the tools they are taught and get help. I spoke of the hopelessness of my problem; how “this keeps happening no matter what I do”. Next thing you know, the police were at my door for a wellness check. The bank rep put another rep on the phone during our conversation…while she went to call 911. I was going to kill myself.
The following day, I confided in a few close coworkers, who then got concerned and went to management. Management went to Human Resources, and now I have to jump through hoops to keep my job. I must go to mandatory counceling, with a counselor who is “in the system” and chosen for me. Meanwhile, I set up an arrangement with the group of counselors my psychiatrist recommended, so I am seeing TWO separate therapists in response to this emergency. I am only allowed three “free” visits with the one arranged by my employer. Then I’ll have a $90 copay, regardless of who I pick. And when cash is already an issue…
Anyway, I believe in honesty and transparency, so I chose to share this with you, my appreciated readers. This issue is proving to be MUCH harder than dealing with the PH and FM. I might have even forgotten about them as all the mayhem was happening. Sometimes emotional turmoil is worse than physical illness or pain.
For now, my plan is to a) not spend at all for the month of February, except for cat food/care, groceries, gas, and utilities, b) return to SMART Recovery meetings, church, and social outings with Meetup groups and c) practice mindfulness each day. We’ll see if I can stay off the ledge. I am never really that far from it, even on good days.