One of the keys to living life fully regardless of our circumstances is to find a purpose. Another is to live on purpose, which can be done every day. I realized my purpose back in 2005 but when diagnosed with my illness, I allowed myself to lose sight of it. I started living only for myself and what I wanted and was too caught up in the fear of death and in anger.
On a glum, misty day in October of 2005 my friend and I emerged from our hotel room to embark on a tour of Pittsburgh and do some other activities we had planned for the weekend. We were there for a U2 concert, but had enough things planned so even if the concert didn’t happen we could still have a fun time. I even joked, “If U2 shows up, fine!”
I knew we would have fun that weekend. Since I was a die hard fan and hadn’t seen the band since 1992, I knew I was in for a special night. What I didn’t count on was the epiphany I had during the second half of the show. Without going into too much detail, it was very spiritual and seemed to come from the concert’s atmosphere. It felt bigger than anything happening around me and caused me to feel separated from the concert itself, as if I was rising above my surroundings. It was a gentle prompting, urging me to “help people”.
It wasn’t a voice or a hallucination, but more like a spiritual force driving me away from my chronic negativity and depression. That’s the best way I can describe the indescribable moment. It shook me, but in a gentle way. I woke up. I was being called to action, and even though I didn’t understand it, I wanted to get busy and be of service to other people.
When the concert was over, the thick mist seemed to give the lights of Pittsburgh a certain glitter, and I was buoyant as the other fans around me cheerfully continued singing the final song of the night as they dispersed. And I remained buoyant the following morning. The sun was shining, the fall colors were gorgeous, and I had no fear. I baffled my friend, who was used to me finding the down side to everything and who didn’t expect me to notice the positive things. I think the change scared her!
Help people. But who? How? Later, while watching the DVD made for the tour, I realized Bono was shouting from the wings in the moments before the show began. Everyone. EVERYONE!
Help people. Everyone.
I spent the next six months helping as many people as I could. I held doors open for people, offered to help coworkers where I had always been kind of hesitant in the past (through laziness). I started calling my mother and sister once a week so they’d know I loved them. I watched the news for stories on world issues or causes I could support and felt amazing the entire time.
On June 22 of the following year, I returned from a storm chasing trip on the Plains and volunteered to work as an usher for Joyce Meyer Ministries. In the midst of my duties there, I got one of the worst phone calls of my life: my mother was in the hospital. I flew home emergently and watched as her condition waxed and waned. I got to take care of her and help her bathe and eat, things she could no longer do. After a series of days where Mom seemed to be improving, I decided to return to Pennsylvania to tie up some loose ends at work and to give a presentation at church on the AIDS and poverty crises in Africa. I was only to be gone for a few days. But my mother deteriorated rapidly, and she passed away before I could get back to her. I felt tremendous guilt and beat myself up for not “knowing”, and for thinking she had more time.
The aftermath of her death showed me although people in my family loved me, they did not love me the same way she did. There were many conditions. Also, she had served as a buffer; they expressed opinions and thoughts about me they never would have mentioned if she was in the room. This was all very hard on me emotionally and mentally, and I started to wander down a dark path again. But one night I heard Kelly Clarkson covering Patti Griffin’s “Up To The Mountain”, which is based on Dr. Martin Luther King’s final speech. It reminded me to pick myself up by the bootstraps and go on with my purpose of helping others, no matter how dark I felt.
Helping people and living my purpose got me through that rough time. I have often wondered if the experience at the U2 concert and the six months of “practice” between then and my mother’s illness was meant to buttress me for the loneliness and emptiness that haunted me relentlessly after my mother’s death. If I had no purpose during that terrible period, I would not have survived.
The years following my mother’s death have been fraught with struggle, loneliness, and a sense of abandonment. They still are. At first, I drew on the experience of the Pittsburgh concert for strength to keep moving forward. Then, in 2013, I learned I had an incurable disease myself. I started feeling even more distant from that magical night. I lost all interest in helping others and let myself get tangled up in thoughts of how pointless my life was, how I messed up and failed. I gave up on the bigger world issues, thinking my contribution was “nothing anyway” and let depression return stronger and more controlling than ever. I abandoned the “mountain” I felt the Lord had asked me to climb, and lost my faith altogether.
Then came the day in 2016 when I heard “So Alive” by the Goo Goo Dolls for the first time, followed by an intense love for the band and acceptance into their world of fans (otherwise known as “GooFam”). I have told the story many times. But hearing the song helped me realize how ridiculous and selfish I had become. King’s “Up To The Mountain” speech is about doing God’s will and living your purpose despite hardships, how you feel, and despite disappointments and fatigue. King dug his heels in for the sake of his mission. And so will I.
When I heard “So Alive” (and then “Over and Over”, “Long Way Home”, “Soul In The Machine”, and pretty much all of the “Boxes” album), I ran back to “the mountain”. I will work at helping people in some small fashion “’til the day I expire” and reach that peaceful valley. Because it’s what I’ve been asked to do. I’ll never take my eyes off my purpose again!