I’m sitting in my recliner chair thinking about what didn’t happen yesterday. Right now, I should be at the whirlpools along the trail near the Whirlpool Bridge, in Niagara Falls. I should be sore and shaky as I take photos of the area. My legs should be heavy and crampy and my mind should be blissful as I drive home, the Buffalo Half Marathon high in full swing. I should have the shiny medal with the stars and stripes around my neck. I should be pumped, knowing I walked the streets the Goo Goo Dolls walked as kids and teenagers, or that I’d just finished what is known in the running world as “America’s Best Race”.
Financial troubles are the main reason I couldn’t go; I could not pay for the downtown hotel. That was a self-induced problem I created with my out-of-control spending addiction. Also, I am facing unemployment. Whatever money I might have must be saved for my day of doom. I am about to lose everything.
The other reason is my illness. My body has become weak over the last several months. I cannot even go on my beloved “easy’ 6 mile hikes every week anymore. I tried a few weeks ago, and was burned out two miles in. And I am lucky if I can go a mile around the high school race track without my legs and lungs burning. One mile on the track is much easier than one mile on the street.
This time last year I was getting ready to go out to Seattle for the Rock and Roll Half Marathon out there. I was in the later phases of training, and I got through the race no problem. And I actually had money to spare. Because of extreme irresponsibility (more so than the illness), I let myself go and am now in the most serious trouble of my life.
Even with my body being as it is, I would have tried at the Buffalo race. Whether I got only one mile done, or all thirteen point one, I would have been okay with myself today. Heck, even if I made it to Buffalo and felt too weak to race, I’d have gone and enjoyed a weekend away if it wasn’t for my money situation.
I am so broken I feel I cannot be fixed.
When the registration notice comes out for next year’s Buffalo race, I will sign up and try again. It will give me something to look forward to and work towards. Perhaps I will sign up for the 10k instead. But I know I will still be in financial trouble, more so than I am today. I will have to be more creative finding ways to stay in the town that weekend. Meanwhile, I’m still broken and will be for a long time.
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